Sunday, October 6, 2013

Nothing.


On September 29th I stopped feeling like I had to cry all the time.

Two sentences in to any conversation and I would almost immediately duck away, with tears becoming the leitmotif in my life's overture.   Quiet quarter note breaths and long syncopated sobs.  But everything quiet.  "Think about puppies" I say to myself over and over.  Breathing in 3's-- 
trip-a-let trip-a-let trip-a-let

It would not have really mattered or become a problem if I never had to talk to anyone again in my life, which is more difficult than I had first presumed.  How do you let other humans know that you have become a bonafide recluse?  Do you send them a formally typed letter explaining that unfortunately, you'll not be seeing or talking to them again?  
(dear sir or madam,
i regretfully inform you that i will not be seeing or talking to you again
i am only a ghost of what i once was
i don't want to drag you down with me
respectfully,
yours, 
etc.)

It won't matter soon
[all gardens eventually turn gray]

8 comments:

  1. I'm not sure what this is about, but I hope everything is ok...

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  2. I don't know what you are writing about, but for some reason, I understand. much love to you, my friend!

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  3. Sending you all the love inside of me, to you. This feeling of reclusiveness ~ I get it. I do. Sometimes, you just want to make a world inside the little nest of your home. Live there, get your groceries from your kitchen cabinets, have coffee shop dates in the comfort of your table. But then, I walk outside, and I see an old man pruning his tree ever so slowly, or a lonely looking woman stepping slowly through the soup isle, and I feel a world inside of me that wants to reach out and hug them. You are too beautiful and too interesting and too magical to keep it all inside. You were made to explode all over this earth with who you are. I mean that, love ~

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  4. Oh goodness, my heart goes out for you in so many ways. I don't know what's happening in your life right now, but I sincerely hope you find all of the loving vibes and heartwaves your own journey needs. If you need a "stranger" to write long anonymous emails to, know you can send me one and I'll try to absorb as much of your pain as I can. I'm trying already.You aren't alone. <3333333

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  5. You are not alone. I think it's always important to remember, especially in those moments. You aren't alone, you aren't! Hugs, Sarina

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    Replies
    1. agree, you are not alone. Even though you feel like fading away and hiding your friends and family are there for you. hang in there.
      ~Emmett

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  6. I stopped feeling like I had to cry all the time almost exactly a year to the day after my son was born. It was as if suddenly I had grieved enough, and I was ready to let myself start to live. A year of mourning, of fear, of emptiness, of sadness. And suddenly, I opened my eyes . Now, sometimes, I can talk about his birth without shaking. Not every mention of the hospital fills me with terror and burning hatred. I am working on getting his birth story out of me. Forgiveness and finishings.

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  7. much love to you. I hope you are coming out of this more and more each day. little steps. I agree, you are too magical to hide from the world. you have too much illumination

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